Friday, November 09, 2007

Ode to Goulet. Goulet.

Here's the thing: Just like I wouldn't hire a clown to fix a leak in the john, I wouldn't dare attempt to honor this man's passing on my own. Instead, I had to go the most passionate Goulet fan I know to get this ditty. That is my buddy Jake, who has been responsible not only for some of your favorite IOI links but also for some great comments—and outside of the blogosphere some fantastic work for the government and shirtless bar hopping. (Full bio of the author available upon request. Picture possible coming soon.) After a full 10 days grieving period, he has answered. Without further ado, I give you "Ode to Goulet. Goulet."

Since his passing and my subsequent vacation to Burbank to properly mourn the man, I finally feel compelled - nay, inspired - to pay homage to a great man. A man's man at that. One who was just as comfortable slapping you across the mouth for your insolence in trying to tear down the biz as he was in a velvet blazer and full turtleneck. I would go so far as to liken him to a real life James Bond without the license to kill. Although, if he were ever palling around with Neil Diamond, he may have been party to some ‘killing drifters for erection’ escapades. Lets look closer at comparison. They both drove cool cars (Aston Martin - Alpha Romeo), they both enjoyed martinis (Diablo - Shaken/not Stirred) and they both had the swagger of a modern day Greek god. Panties dropped at the mere whisper of their name. The only difference is that Mr. Goulet is a living, breathing, frieking Legend.

What makes Goulet so much better than his contemporaries you ask? I'll tell you. He had the great sense to poke fun at his larger than life voice and persona (probably stemming from his French-Canadian ancestry) starting in the mid 90s with commercials for the worldwide leader (ESPN for you sporting neophytes). It was this ability, not shared by other musical luminaries like the Chairman (Can you say Duets?) and Englerbert Humperdink, that enabled him to stay relevant to his dying day. He continued to stay on our minds through a series of skits on SNL and a wicked interview on Conan O'Brien by the comic stylings of Will Ferrell. Whether he was belting out hit rap songs or providing you with awesome ring tones, Goulet was staying modern. And, most recently he starred in a Super Bowl commercial the likes of which the world has never known. Mr. Goulet's foray into the nut business this past year will haunt me to my dying day. I will always be cognizant of the spectre of the post lunch food-coma bandit.

Will there be anyone else who can capture the essence of Goulet? In doing so, they would become a marvel for all mankind. My heart hopes so, but my brain says no. The current crop of stars just doesn't have it. Justin Timberlake is too pretty. He probably waxes his legs. Eddie Vedder is too dirty. The list is as long as Goulet’s resume, and each and every person remains flawed. For those of you out there who dare to mention that devilish, dancing, supernova that is Wayne Newton, heed my warning. He couldn't carry Goulet's jockstrap in a suitcase.

What I'm really trying to say is that Mr. Robert Goulet kept himself relevant by constantly reinventing himself and for this, he captured the hearts and minds of the world, not to mention my own.

Single Tear.

Jake Conte
Unabashed Goulet Enthusiast

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